"But Is He Kind?"
A Parent-Teacher Conference I Still Think About, 26 years later
In 1999, I was a second-year teacher — and closer in age to my middle school students than I was to their parents.
Conscious of my relative youth, I over-prepared for parent-teacher conferences. When M’s parents walked in, I was armed with assessments, rubrics, and a detailed spreadsheet. Everything told the same story: he was a strong student with a solid work ethic.
So I was surprised when his mom cut me off before I could finish enumerating all of M’s successes.
“We know he’s doing well academically, and we know he has lots of good friends,” she said. “But how is he doing with people outside his friend group? Are there any new students he could be nudged to include? Is he kind? That’s more important to us than test scores.”
That conversation has stayed with me for 26 years.
My kids attend a school that loops (i.e. students keep the same teacher for more than one year) — so between my oldest and my youngest, we’ve had parent conferences with the same homeroom teacher for several years.
Last spring, after discussing my son’s academic progress, I looked at Mr. W and said, “You know what I’m going to ask you next.” He smiled and turned to his new assistant teacher, “She’s going to ask how her son is doing socially — specifically, is he kind to all of his classmates.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about raising boys in this culture — more time that usual because . . . waves-at-all-the-things. I have a longer post percolating for next week.
But mending what’s broken starts with a lesson a mom taught me 26 years ago — long before I became a parent: true success = kindness.
Where I’ve Been This Month
On Courtney Martin’s substack. She asked the best questions.
On The Lisa Show! Listen here
On the Constant Wonder | BYUradio Podcast! Listen here.
Book Alert
Two outstanding books for parents came out this month — the two I had been looking forward to the most in 2025.
Christopher Pepper and Joanna Schroeder’s Talk to Your Boys: 16 Conversations to Help Tweens and Teens Grow into Confident, Caring Young Men
Alyssa Blask Campbell’s Big Kids, Bigger Feelings: Navigating Defiance, Meltdowns, and Anxiety to Raise Confident, Connected Kids
Oh! And before I go. Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed by the world and needed to “touch grass.” So I went to a cute local library, flipped through picture books, watched parents reading to kids, and watched kids build stacks of books to take over to check-out. Libraries are pretty good resets, it turns out.
Cheers,
Deborah
I love this so much! What an INCREDIBLE parent to ask such a thing!! I also love that you "touched grass" I had a similar need this week - Luckily I needed to be at a local children's museum on monday and got to lead a social emotional storytime - I got paid in hugs from the little people that listened - which helped a lot! Whatever fills our cups!! <3
You absolutely nail it in this line: But mending what’s broken starts with a lesson a mom taught me 26 years ago — long before I became a parent: true success = kindness.