A couple of years ago, I got a review copy of Hope Edleman’s The AfterGrief: Finding Your Way Along the Long Arc of Loss. I planned to skim it quickly before an interview with the author about helping kids navigate grief.
Instead, I cried and savored and reflected my way through this beautiful book, chapter by chapter.
Just yesterday during a zoom parent workshop, someone asked me to share three of my favorite parenting books, and I impulsively grabbed “The Aftergrief” off my shelf.
It’s not a parenting book, but every parent — every family — wrestles with grief. That grief might be fresh: a death of a family member, a divorce, a loss of a friend, or a new health diagnosis. Or it may be the “long arc”: missing a loved one anew as we experience milestones without them.
I remember the unexpected grief I felt when my kids were born, knowing my father would never get a chance to meet his grandchildren.
Grief can feel acute during the holidays. Edleman taught me the phrase “grief spike” — an intensity of emotion that hits us suddenly during holidays, milestones, or anniversaries. These are times when we are reminded of who’s not there to celebrate with us.
As we navigate loss, it’s important to remember that kids process grief differently than adults. Edleman also introduced me to the term “grief dosing”:
As Edelman told me, younger children “live very much in the present” and they often “only dip into grief very briefly, and then they back away.” For example, they may have a short, intense outburst and then run off to play. But that doesn’t mean they are not grieving, said Edelman. “It just means that they can only handle grief in very small doses.”
I did end up writing that article for PBS KIDS in November 2020, and it’s one I keep returning to. It gave me words to describe the spike I feel each year as we approach Father’s Day. And for my kids, who lost their other grandfather relatively recently, it reminds me to look for ways to “turn an absence into a presence” — to talk about him as we pull out ornaments he gave us, to laugh at “grandpa stories,” to make the cake he loved to bake at Christmas time.
Who are you missing this holiday season? Who are your kids missing? You can read more of Edleman’s insights in my article. Maybe it’d be helpful for you or someone you know during this time of year.
Grief During the Holidays: How Parents Can Help Children (And Themselves)
Cheers,
Deborah Farmer Kris
www.parenthood365.com
P.S. Shameless Self-Promotion: If you are looking for a last-minute gift for a young kid in your life, I know of a book series they might like :).
You can order here from amazon.