Happiness Isn't the (Sole) Aim

And other parenting lessons from the world's longest study of happiness

Sometimes life sends you beautiful moments of serendipity.

Let me back up. I recently had a chance to interview Dr. Robert Waldinger. He directs the Harvard Study of Adult Development and is the co-author of the new book, “The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness.” For more than 80 years, this Harvard study has followed the lives of 724 participants and more than 1,300 of their descendants.

Great topic for parents, I thought. Don’t we all want our kids to be happy?

But as I spoke to Dr. Waldinger on the phone, we discovered something wonderfully unexpected: my late father-in-law was his beloved teacher and mentor. We both got emotional sharing “Tony” stories — and it was a poignant reminder of Dr. Waldinger’s central finding: a good life is about relationships, relationships, and relationships.

You can read Dr. Waldinger’s take-aways for parents in my article for The Washington Post: “The mundane, radical, fun, painful ways we can help our kids find happiness.”

Here are my 7 favorite takeaways:

1. Happiness isn’t the (sole) aim: “There is a myth that you can eventually get to a place where you are happy all the time,” Waldinger says. “We need to unpack the word happy and ask, ‘What do I really want for my kids?’”

2. Learn to surf: One clear finding from the Harvard study is that a good life is never free from challenges, stress or pain. In fact, “A good life is forged from precisely the things that make it hard,” Waldinger writes. “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”

3. Relationships are the fourth ‘r’: According to Waldinger’s research, “The people who were most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest (mentally and physically) at age 80.” So how do we intentionally help our kids start down this path?

4. Practice radical curiosity: Two social skills that correlate with strong relationships, Waldinger learned, are generosity and radical curiosity, a “real, deep curiosity about what others are experiencing.”

5. Allow for challenges: Parents often seek to be the buffer between kids and challenges rather than giving kids the space and support to develop their own buffering strategies.

6. Rituals and routines are connectors: Waldinger’s research points to the protective power of family rituals and routines. Our kids need connection, even when they become teens and appropriately try to pull away.

7. Embrace the long game: One of the best things this Harvard study provides is perspective. “What we’ve seen — following these lives for 85 years — is that change happens,” Waldinger says. “People take unexpected turns and twists.”

Read the whole article here.

Cheers,

Deborah