Kids Aren't Vending Machines
Dear Parents & Caregivers,
Here’s what I’m thinking about today: Kids aren't vending machines. We can't just stick in correct change (that “magic” phrase or strategy) and expect kids to instantly conform to our expectations. And that's not the goal anyway.
My friend Dr. Michele Borba began her career as a special education teacher. As she got to know students as individuals, she told me she was guided by one question, “How can I help them shine?”
That’s a better question than: “How can I make them behave?” or “How do I get them to stop/start ________?” As Borba told me, one of the best things parents can do is simply observe their children closely. Get curious.
What activities seem to ignite their child's imagination or give them an extra spark of joy? What seems to increase their confidence, reduce their stress, or help them enjoy their own company?
“Find out what helps your child be the best version of themselves,” said Borba, and then give them the freedom to pursue those activities. This often requires shelving our own expectations about what they “should” be doing.
On Boys Podcast
I recently joined the On Boys parenting podcast to talk about a host of topics, including how to help kids experience wonder & develop emotional literacy. Listen in here.
From the show notes:
Parenting, Kris says, is humbling, partly because “there’s not one method that works for every child.” Every child is different. So is every parent. And yet, helping our children develop their emotional literacy skills is one thing we can do to help them thrive.
You can begin by taking a moment to calm yourself when your son’s behavior is out of line or upsetting. Then, get curious. Often, another need lurks beneath. When you and your son are calm, try saying something like, “I noticed…” State your observation; allow some space and time for your son to respond.
“‘I notice’ takes the judgment out of it,” Kris says. And even if your son chooses not to respond in the moment, your words convey that you see and care about him.
“Spanking & Better Choices”
As I told my high-school-calculus-classmate-turned-media-maven Hilary, I am firmly in the “no spank” camp. But I also don’t believe in shaming parents who do. We often default to the discipline strategy we grew up with.
So what are some alternatives to spanking that are more likely to help kids learn & make good choices over the long-term? Listen here — and read these two articles I wrote on the subject:
Again, there’s no magic bullet that works for every kid — and anyone who tells you there is has met a limited number of children.
School Struggles Summit
I met Penny Williams when I was a guest on her podcast Beautifully Complex: Navigating Neurodiverse Parenting. She does amazing work and so I am delighted to be part of her annual School Struggles Summit, September 12-15. My topic is celebrating the strengths of introverts — and there are dozens of other workshops from some amazing experts. Register here.
Two More!
Did you know the average 4-year-old asks 73 questions a day? That's their superpower. Read more in my column, "How Beautiful Questions (and a Little Boredom) Can Help Us Raise Wonder-ful Kids"
Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood is 10 years old! I’ve been on the “Daniel Tiger” beat since joining PBS KIDS as a columnist in 2015, so I was thrilled to write this piece to celebrate — because DT is one of the best parent education platforms out there! (Who among us has not sung the Potty Song to a toddler?)
And because I love Fred Rogers, I’ll leave you with this. There may be no magic words, but his wisdom continues to be magical.
Cheers,
Deborah
Deborah Farmer Kris * www.parenthood365.org