Raising Quiet Kids in a Noisy World
A couple of years ago, I let my elementary-age daughter read through her progress report. It was full of positive feedback, so I thought she’d find it encouraging.
But her face fell when she read that she needed to work on “class participation.”
“I don’t understand. I always participate,” she said. “I listen and I do every single activity and assignment.”
She was genuinely confused.
“Oh,” I said lightly. “Class participation is just code for ‘talk more in class.’”
She nodded.
“Yeah, I don’t love doing that,” she said. “But if everyone talked, it’d be so noisy. And it’s already too noisy.”
My two children have fundamentally different temperaments: one tends toward introversion and the other toward extroversion. One treasures her quiet time after school: reading, writing, art, and snuggling with the dog. The other is energized by activity, noise, and large-group social interaction. Thankfully, temperament and character are not synonyms. Introverts, extroverts, and ambiverts can all become kind, hard-working, compassionate, and brave people.
As caregivers, sometimes we struggle to parent children who are temperamentally different from us. I see this more with extroverted parents and teachers who think that part of our job is to change our introverts—to stretch them into “confident, outgoing kids.”
But research suggests that one’s basic temperament—particularly our response to stimuli—is rooted in biology. Extroverts tend to be more comfortable with crowds, noise, and unexpected events. High-sensory environments tend to charge (or at least don’t quickly drain) their batteries.
Introverts are usually more comfortable in calmer environments. This doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy a big birthday party or a trip to the zoo—they may just become overstimulated more quickly, need to take breaks, and want downtime afterward to charge their batteries.
No temperament is better than another. But here’s where kids need our help: there are a thousand subtle ways society communicates to introverts that they are somehow lacking. From who gets picked for leadership roles to who gets positive reinforcement from teachers and even strangers.
I mean, think about how we talk about extroverts: He’s so outgoing! She’s fearless! He loves to ham it up! She’s never met a stranger!
Rarely do you hear with the same enthusiasm: She’s quiet! He’s great at looking before leaping! She’s a wonderful observer! He’s a thoughtful listener!
Aren’t those also strengths worth celebrating?
Instead of trying to change a child, let’s try changing up the environment in ways that will help them thrive.
Here are five articles I’ve written that address just that:
Six Strategies to Help Introverts Thrive at School and Feel Understood (NPR’s MindShift)
Raising Quiet, Confident Kids in a Noisy World (Intrepid Ed News)
Must-Read Books for Little Introverts: Celebrating the Quiet Kids (PBS KIDS)
How to Support Your Young Introvert (PBS KIDS)
Attention Teachers
Tomorrow, June 8, I’m giving a free webinar on how to help students develop emotional literacy — with CE credits available. Nearly 2500 people have registered (yay for responsive, caring educators!).
You can register here: Helping Children Develop Emotional Literacy: You Have Feelings All the Time
New Book Drops Next Month!
I’ve heard from my publisher that “You Wonder All the Time” has arrived in the warehouse! So no delays for this July 26 drop! It’s all about celebrating kids’ wonder, awe, and curiosity.
****You can pre-order through the publisher, through Amazon, or (for a signed copy) through my favorite indie bookstore.****
Please and thank you (just ask your author-friends about the importance of pre-orders in today’s industry . . . )
“The questions in this book are priceless, and the illustrations bring wonder to life.” -- Warren Berger, author of A More Beautiful Question
Cheers,
Deborah