"The popular kids are so annoying..."

"... I wish I were more popular."

Popularity is a loaded word. Raise your hand if it conjures up unpleasant memories of, say, jockeying for position in the high school cafeteria or watching the kid who harassed your friends get voted in as homecoming royalty.

When kids are young, being “popular” is usually just a synonym for being friendly and welcoming to other kids. But that concept begins to change during the tween years, which can be confusing for everyone. Because suddenly they may crave being popular, even while recognizing that the “popular” group isn’t always the kindest one!

A few years ago, I had a chance to talk to Dr. Mitch Prinstein, a psychologist and author of “Popular: The Power of Likability in a Status-Obsessed World.”  And it’s a conversation I think about all the time — so I thought I’d share part of it with you.

Teaching Your Teens About Popularity

I’m a big fan of sharing research with adolescents — and the research on popularity can give our teens valuable context for what is happening in their brains and in the hallways at school.

First, there are two distinct types of popularity: likability and status.

Likability is the first form of popularity that kids experience. “At the age of 3, you can go in and ask kids who they like most and least. The popular kids are the ones everyone likes the most,” said Prinstein. Children are drawn to peers who treat others with respect, who know how to share and cooperate, and who make other members of the group feel good about themselves.

But as children enter middle school, the equation changes. The type of popularity that brings back memories of the middle school pecking order is related to status. Status, said Prinstein, “is not a measure of how well a person is liked.” Rather, it reflects a person’s visibility, dominance, and influence on the group. That’s why the most popular students are sometimes widely disliked by their peers — even when those same peers seek to emulate them.  

Why the shift?

“In adolescence, something happens in our brains –  the neurochemical cocktail of oxytocin and dopamine,” said Prinstein. Oxytocin promotes a need to connect and bond with others; dopamine activates the brain’s pleasure center and is commonly associated with the high people feel from drugs. As a result, said Prinstein, teens “become almost addicted to any type of attention from peers.”

Unfortunately, one of the fastest ways to get peer attention is to exercise “dominance, aggression, and power, and that is where the second form of popularity — status — is formed.” Prinstein likens status-seeking to a primate beating its chest to show dominance: “The non-human part of our brains —  or rather the part of our brain that resembles other animal species —  makes us attuned to that type of popularity.”

Status “is not a measure of how well a person is liked.” Rather, it reflects a person’s visibility, dominance, and influence on the group. That’s why the most popular students are sometimes widely disliked by their peers — even when those same peers seek to emulate them.  

Here are a few additional takeaways for parents.

1. Promote the Big Picture

Although we are hardwired to seek popularity, it isn’t always healthy for us, said Prinstein. High-status teens are less likely to have satisfying friendships and romantic relationships later in life. They are also at higher risk for substance abuse problems, including DUIs. People whose popularity is grounded in status “grow up and believe that the way you get what you want is to be aggressive toward others and constantly attend to your social status,” repeating patterns that seemed to work in high school, said Prinstein.

In the end, “you may be better off if you are not the most popular teen in your school.”

The good news for teens who feel unpopular? Ultimately, “our likability predicts so many [positive] outcomes decades later,” said Prinstein. And that’s something that is more in our control than shifting status markers. We can be the person who reaches out to others with kindness and empathy.

2. Talk About Social Skills

When kids are young, we directly teach them social skills to help them get along with their Kindergarten peers. While it will look different, we can still give our tweens and teens valuable social support. Instead of “How do I share my toys?” the question might be “How do I turn down an invitation gracefully?” or “How do I express my feelings to a friend who has hurt me?” According to one study, when parents talked with their children directly about social skills —  including what to look for in a friend or how to interact positively with others — they developed stronger peer relationships.

3. Help Teens Think Critically About How Tech-Fueled Popularity

Social media feeds our primal desire for peer attention, said Prinstein. Likes, followers, and retweets provide what feels like measurable data about one’s social status. “We are in a status-seeking crisis as a society. There are kids who feel that their experiences haven’t really happened until they have shared them and seen how many responses they get. It erodes our ability to make our own judgments in alignment with our values. Social media is serving some of our social needs but not all of our social needs.”

4. Final Thought

Prinstein offers this advice to teens: “You know that momentary high you might get by making yourself seem higher in status by disparaging others? It might feel good in the short term, but it’s not only damaging to others, it is damaging to you in the long run. ”

Instead, he said, “Spend your time learning how to be empathic and forge genuine relationships. Connect with people. Become a better listener. Focus on developing good friendships and being likable — caring and connected with others.”

Cheers,

Deborah Farmer Kris * www.parenthood365.com