When Stress Is Your Friend

Let's talk about shifting -- but not suppressing -- the tough emotions

Last night, I got to do one of my favorite things: speak to a group of parents about the science of emotion.

The presentation was at 6:30, so I did not eat after 1pm. Why? Because I know from experience that I will have a squelchy stomach before each and every live presentation.

And that really doesn’t bother me anymore, because the same adrenaline that is messing with my digestion is also giving me the energy and alertness I need to perform on stage. I don’t want to feel too calm before I pick up the microphone. In these moments, stress is my friend.

My goal for these presentations is to present practical, researched-based, hopeful strategies on how to help kids name, normalize, and navigate their emotions. Essentially, I want kids to hear these four messages from the adults in their life:

• Emotions have names – and naming them helps.

• Emotions are normal and serve a purpose – even the unpleasant ones.

• Emotions pass – and there are lots of strategies to help “settle your glitter.”

• Sometimes you’ll feel overwhelmed – I’m here for you, all the time.

Even though given this “Emotions 101” talk dozens of times, I tweak it every few months because I keep learning cool new insights.

Last night, I inserted an insight from Dr. Ethan Kross, author of the wonderful new book “Shift: Managing Your Emotions So They Don’t Manage You.”

Kross is a neuroscientist and director of the Emotions and Self Control lab at the University of Michigan. When I spoke to him earlier this year, we had a great conversation about when to use self-regulation strategies.

He reminded me that all feelings have functions. Fear alerts us to danger and heightens our senses. Disgust keeps us from eating the expired meat. Loneliness can prompt us to seek the benefits of social connection. So the goal isn’t to ignore, suppress or minimize uncomfortable feelings, but rather to notice what they are telling you (which might just be: you need to take a break, get a drink of water, or take a nap).

Then Kross told me this:

“It’s when the emotion gets too big or lasts too long. Those are the two telltale signs that your emotions may require some regulation.”

Intensity and Duration

Okay, that’s a really helpful shorthand. So let’s say your tween is upset that the Celtics lose at the buzzer, so he stomps upstairs and slams the bedroom door. But after some cooldown time, he’s able to re-engage (even though he’s still disappointed) and move on. That’s not going to require much more than our empathy. “Yeah, that was a rough loss.” But if he starts throwing books around his room (intensity) or can’t focus on his homework two hours later because he’s still too activated (duration), he’s probably going to need help downshifting his emotional reaction.

If you are anything like me, you are pretty sensitive to your children’s emotional lives. So seeing them upset can make you upset. It’s no fun to see your kid in distress.

A few years ago, I had an enlightening conversation with Dr. Lisa Damour, a psychologist and author of the book “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers” (she also hosts a fantastic podcast).

She told me that she has seen a shift in how society views stress and difficult emotions in general. “Somehow a misunderstanding has grown up about stress and anxiety where our culture now sees both as pathological,” said Damour. “The upshot of that is that we have adults and young people who are stressed about being stressed and anxious about being anxious.”

In fact, much of the anxiety that teenagers express is a sign that they are aware of their surroundings, mindful of their growing responsibilities, and frightened of things that are, in fact, scary. Adults can make a difference simply by “reassuring them that, a great deal of time, stress is just operating as a friend and ally to them.”

A Strength Training Program for Your Mind

Tweens’ and teens’ lives are filled with change, and change and stress go hand in hand -- even if a change is positive. Think about it: Their bodies and brains are transforming, they usually switch schools at least once between grades 5 and 12, their academic workload is increasing, they are more aware of the world’s challenges, and social relationships are constantly evolving. The anxiety that comes with stretching to face inevitable challenges is part of how humans develop strength, said Damour.

She sometimes tells teens to look at a challenge as “as an extraordinary strength training program for your mind — you are going to walk out of it tougher and stronger than you have ever been.”

And, like Kross, she wants parents to know that difficult emotions — and even emotional outbursts — are not reliable indicators of mental health. Rather, does the anxiety reach a level where it impedes our kids’ ability to navigate life effectively. Is it too intense for too long?

I have an article coming out in a publication soon that will share more of my conversation with Ethan Kross about his new book— including why our five senses are an underutilized emotional regulation resource. So look for that in coming days.

In the meantime, if YOU need a moment of self-regulating zen today, watch this video I showed last night. I have seen it probably 100 times, and it never fails to unlock my jaw and lower my pulse rate. Watch it yourself. Show it to your kids. It’s just so good.

Listen In

I had a great conversation with Jen and Janet at the On Boys podcast — available here. From their show notes:

Raising Awe-Seekers, the first parenting book by author Deborah Farmer Kris, outlines a transformative approach to parenting based on joy, wonder, and curiosity.

Science, Deb says, shows that awe isn’t just a feel-good experience—it also helps kids develop resilience, strengthen relationships, and manage stress.

“Awe helps kids zoom out,” Deborah says. “It reminds them they’re part of something bigger.” And here’s the best part: You don’t need to take your kid on an epic adventure to cultivate awe—you just need to pay attention.

Yours,

Deborah

P.S.

In preparation for the release of “Raising Awe-Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Helps Our Kids Thrive,” I’m keeping an awe diary: One entry each day about something that caught my attention, gave me goosebumps, brought tears to my eyes, or made me say, “Wow.”

365 Days of Wonder: Week 9

Day 57:

I was running late from a doctor’s appointment, so I asked a friend if she could pick my son up along with her own kid after school. I soon got a photo of the two boys enjoying themselves at a local ice cream parlor with the message, “Take your time.”

Day 58:

It was above freezing most of the night but dipped below just before dawn. So these water droplets covered the trees — lightly frozen in place.

Day 59:

I stopped by Joann Fabric to get some embroidery thread. A blind, elderly woman sat behind the counter, crocheting an afghan with rhythmic precision. Her ride was late and the cashier had invited her to wait inside. All three of us struck a conversation lovely about stitching and handiwork and the sadness of this store going out of business while the cashier patiently rang up my 100 skeins of floss. Small connecting moments like this make me feel more whole.

Day 60:

My 11yo played Dungeons & Dragons today--a dream made possible by a mom friend who volunteered to be the teacher/Dungeon Master. Watching the kids invent, disagree, comprise, cheer, and even comfort each other when rolls didn't go as hoped? This is what Maria Montessori meant when she said "Play is the work of the child."

Day 61:

Have you ever seen the song of a red-winged blackbird? This photo Kathrin Swoboda is breathtaking.

Day 62:

I backed into a car last night in a small, dark parking lot. Tears. I couldn't find the owner so left a note with my info and contrition. The owner texted me later, we shared all pertinent insurance details, and then he wrote this:

"The car is a car. They make thousands if not millions of them and it’s no good for me to be angry because of an accident. Things happen. Better energy with happiness and kindness. Hope you have a lovely day."

Day 63:

I was craving Rumi’s poetry last night, so I stitched this: