Why I Let My Kid Drop Piano
Even Though I Swore I wouldn't
This year, my sixth grader dropped piano and cross-country/track (activities I had nudged) — and unexpectedly picked up coding and rock climbing. And then asked to attend a drama camp and work on a farm this summer.
Awesome.
Never mind that I had repeatedly told both my kids that piano until 8th grade was NON-NEGOTIABLE.
Turns out it was negotiable, particularly when their astute piano teacher turned to my oldest and said, “You are a good and diligent piano student, but it’s clear you don’t like it very much. Is this how you want to spend your time?”
During all this, I kept thinking about my conversation with Michele Borba about her book “Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine.”
Thrivers have Hobbies
In her research, Borba found that “thrivers have hobbies — they have something they can decompress to.” But when she asks teens, “What are your hobbies?” they often reply, “What’s a hobby? We don’t have enough time for hobbies.” Life had become a “should do’s” instead of a “want to do’s”
As we help kids and teens find activities that are purposeful to them, it’s helpful to remember that:
Their interests will continue to evolve (and that’s usually a good thing!)
Their interests may not align with ours (or our sense of what they should be doing)(also, not everything should be a college-application-resume-builder. Oof.)
Of course, it’s a bit of a dance, because often kids won’t discover an interest unless someone introduces it to them, first. My younger kid got super into archery this year because of a random after-school offering!
Who is Doing the Pushing and Pulling?
Think of it this way: When psychologist Benjamin Bloom studied the lives of highly skilled mathematicians, athletes, and musicians, he found that adults usually introduced them to these activities when they were young. But — and it’s a big but — “before long, the child was pulling the parent,” said Borba.
The message in there for parents? Periodically step back and ask, ‘Who is doing the pulling?’ And if you are the one always pulling them to put on their soccer cleats or practice the piano, maybe they are telling you something.”
Borba suggests parents become curious observers, asking questions like:
What activities seem to ignite my child's imagination?
What gives them an extra spark of joy?
What seems to increase their confidence, reduce their stress, or help them enjoy their own company?
“Find out what helps your child be the best version of themselves,” said Borba, and then give them the freedom to pursue those activities.
Use Your Village
One way to help children find their spark is to introduce a variety of new activities — without expectations. For example:
a one-off Outschool or Rec Center class
a morning of birdwatching
a knitting class with grandma over Zoom
a trial martial arts class
an origami or manga YouTube tutorial
a morning volunteering at a farm
a teenage neighbor who knows how to geocache
a local theater troop performance
“When you find something beyond your scope, find them a mentor. It doesn’t have to be pricey – it might be the neighbor next door. We are not partnering with other parents nearly enough.”
When kids engage in activities they find personally meaningful, it develops an authentic self-confidence, or “that inner, quiet recognition of who I am.” It’s easier for kids to persevere, feel optimistic about their future and develop self-confidence when they are engaged in meaningful activities, says Borba. “Kids thrive on purpose”
Cheers,
Deborah
Deborah Farmer Kris * www.parenthood365.com
Reading this next to a substack post by ParentData that shared research on sleep for children. One point was that sometimes activities and too many activities prevent good sleep practices in children. It is hard to let your child drop an activity. I have found it is especially hard it it is something you love seeing them do or something that you did (or wish you did as a child). As parents we need to support our children's choices and allow them to try our lots of activities as they are figuring out who THEY are.
I love this! I have noticed that my kids' creativity blossoms when they have down-time. I often wonder whether I should direct their efforts a bit toward practical life skills and productivity, but they get so happy and engaged in their own activities that I don't. With these well thought out and articulated, research based recommendations, I feel more justified in giving my kids the freedom to explore the activities that excite them, even when those activities are eccentric or unpractical. Case in point, my oldest child just taught herself to spin wool into yarn using a drop spindle she made from a YouTube tutorial. The yarn she makes is bumpy and difficult to crochet with, but she loves it and is exploring plying different color combinations. When will she EVER use this skill to make a living or contribute to world peace? Never. But she is so motivated that she reached out to one of my friends who raises goats to see about processing wool fiber and she rode her bike to the nearest hardware store to buy PVC pipe to make her own Knitty Knotty. Her interest delights me and I am even more delighted to realize that she is growing into herself as she explores this interest, laying the foundation for a happy life.