My Kids Don't Need Me to Be a Martyr

They need to know they are capable and needed

A few days ago, a bout of food poisoning knocked me flat. It took all my energy to stumble from the bed to the bathroom. It was a Sunday night, and my brain ran through what needed to happen around the house. That part of my brain never seems to shut off: feed and walk the dog, make dinner for the kids, clean up from dinner, make sure their backpacks are ready for Monday, cajole them to bed at a decent hour.

I couldn’t do any of it — nor could my husband, equally sick beside me — and so my kids did all of it.

Our 9-year-old and 12-year-old fed themselves, cleaned up dinner, took care of the dog, finished homework, and got themselves to bed at a decent hour — and checked in on their poor parents a few times.

Like most children, my kids complain about chores. But they didn’t complain that night. In fact, they almost seemed excited to rise to the challenge.

It made me think of a conversation I had with KJ Dell’Antonia, author of How to Be a Happier Parent.

“A kid who has everything done for them begins to see themselves as a job for their parents instead of as a joy or a help,” Dell-Antonia told me. This setup harms kids in at least two ways. It leads to “an artificial sense of their own importance” while also undercutting the vital role children could play in family life.

“Everyone is happier when they are part of a larger community. For kids, the family is that community. When they are part of the day-to-day running of a household, it tells them, ‘I’m part of the team, and without me, things don’t work as well.’ They feel like they are a helpful and necessary part of their family.”

Viewing children as inherently capable changes our approach to interacting with them. “They can do things,” said Dell’Antonia. “But we mostly don’t let them.”

Are We Overindulging Our Kids?

I’m not a big fan of reductive parenting articles, so I almost didn’t read the NPR article because of the headline: Parents, are you overindulging your kid? This 4-question test can help you find out.

But the questions posed are really thoughtful — as is the description of three kinds of “overindulgence,” or giving in to children’s “whims and desires because you don't want to see them frustrated or uncomfortable, or want to avoid conflict.” This one resonated in particular:

Relational indulgence: This happens when "parents tend to do more for their kids than their kids actually need them to be doing," says Silvers. "Parents are over-functioning and then it causes the child to under-function." As a result, kids don't learn developmentally appropriate tasks. 

Read that quote again: "Parents are over-functioning and then it causes the child to under-function." I think I need to put that on a sticky note on my mirror. When I overfunction (and I am a compulsive overfunctioner), it could prompt my kids to underfunction.

Overfunctioning, for me, also leads to me feeling smugly resentmentful for “all that I do around here for everyone.” That’s not a dynamic I want to model or pass on. It serves no one in the family, least of all me, if I claim the role of noble martyr.

In my first years as a classroom teacher, I would spend hours sculpting my lessons and the classroom environment, including single-handedly reorganizing the room after the children left each day. But it was only when I learned to artfully loosen my control of the classroom — to allow my students to develop the skills to manage their time, materials, and relationships — that the classroom really started humming. It wasn’t MY classroom, it become OUR classroom.

• In our homes, do our kids know how essential they are?

• Do they feel that sense of purpose and responsibility?

Those are questions remind me of a conversation I had with Melinda Wenner Moyer, author of “How To Raise Kids Who Aren’t A**holes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting.

“There is a strong link between doing things that are good for the whole family and the development of generous behavior,” Moyer told me. “When I ask my kids to help clear the table, I might say, ‘This is really helping me and dad out because we have a lot going on. You're making our house look nicer, and you're making it so that we have clean dishes for breakfast tomorrow. So it's really helpful for the entire family.”

Speaking to children about their influence on the family is a sign of respect. According to Moyer, it tells them, “You really matter. What you do really affects others. Your actions are powerful and can be used in very, very good ways.”

That’s a message I want my kids to hear.

Cheers,

Deborah Farmer Kris

P.S. Two Places You Can Find Me This Month

I loved talking with Gregg Behr — co-author of When You Wonder, You’re Learning — for the Remaking Tomorrow podcast. Listen here.

I was honored to film this parent education webinar for the Ohio PBS stations and the Ohio Dept. of Public Education. Watch here.